Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Zealot meets Salesperson or, Ann Coulter meets George Clooney

Today's letter is Z ... WooHoo! Made it through the challenge. We're looking at a match between Zealot Ann Coulter and Salesman George Clooney.

To start with, Ann and George would likely never be in a relationship, or even talk civilly together, as they are on opposite sides of the political spectrum. However, Zealots and Salesmen can find happiness if they share other deeply held beliefs and values. Zealots with Salesmen personalities are a common pairing in life, movies and books, as they create sparks off each other. 

Zealot types, who are often missionaries or evangelists; protesters, reformers, are convinced that what they believe about an issue is the only correct way to look at it. They feel they have the authority of tradition or scripture backing them. They’re courageous and determined to bring people around to their views. The fiery passion that simmers just below the surface in their personalities is often channeled into politics, religion or some other worthy cause.

If this type were in a movie, the purpose would be to get them to let their hair down, focus their passion in a different direction, by breaking rules and having fun. At their core, they are fiery, but they are also trying to control the fire, which could lead to unwanted consequences.

Katharine Hepburn films (The African Queen) often use this theme, as well as The Sound of Music; My Fair Lady, and the King and I. The Zealot gets in touch with their feelings and with their playful side, enjoying their sensuality instead of disapproving of it.  

But that won’t happen unless they come in contact with someone to help this happen. And who is the perfect person? Read more about the Zealot personality.

The Salesman personality—the charmer; the hippie; the adventurer, the Don Juan. As with all types, Salesman has its own inner demons. Non-commital risk-takers, they will skim over the top of life as long as possible, but they will eventually come face-to-face with something, or someone, they cannot seduce with their considerable charm. This person, thing or event will teach them some of the things they need to learn. Read more about the Salesman personality.
Having said this, you can imagine the sparks that would fly if Zealot Ann Coulter and Salesman George Clooney were face-to-face. 

Each one contains within their personality something that the other is lacking, and a friendship/partnership/marriage could lead to growth on both parts, assuming they could ever stop fighting with each other.

This is what the Zealot would bring to the table: discipline, organization, attention to detail, and excellence, which he would appreciate. Here’s what the Salesman would contribute: spontaneity, energy, and a love of fun and adventure. Both are idealistic and future-oriented planners. Whereas the Salesman likes to keep his options open, the Zealot will rein him in, keeping him focused on follow through.

The Salesman will make life seem more exciting and enjoyable to the Zealot. The Zealot will help the Salesman see deeper meaning of things. The Zealot will take care of the details of life; the Salesman will provide the spice.

The relationship between the Zealot and the Salesman could be great, as long as they share the same values, and are working toward attaining the same things in life. In this real-life example, it’s unlikely that they would ever be more than nodding, and bitter, acquaintances.

If trouble were to arise between the Zealot and the Salesman, the Zealot would become more critical, judgmental, and inflexible than ever, insisting that things need to be done the right way—their way. The Zealot will begin to see the Salesman as undisciplined and childish, and they’re sure the Salesman is being that way only to annoy them.

The Salesman will see the Zealot as petty and uptight. They’ll tire of all the criticism, and become very demanding. Disillusioned, the Zealot will withdraw emotionally from the Salesman, and the relationship will die. 

Monday, April 29, 2013

What I learned by entering the Golden Heart contest 2013

The Golden Heart scores have now been released. If you're unaware, the Golden Heart contest is sponsored by RWA (Romance Writers of America) each year for aspiring writers in the romance genre. Entries are separated into six different categories: series contemporary, single title contemporary; series historical, single title historical; romantic suspense, and young adult.

After a preliminary round of judging, the top ten percent of each category's entries, with a limit of eight in each category, provided the minimum total score for each finalist equals 80 percent of the total possible score, moves into the finalist category, which is judged by acquiring editors. Therefore, having a manuscript final in the Golden Heart is a big deal. Many finalists become published authors not long afterwards.

Preliminary round judges are themselves contest entrants but, obviously, in a different category than they are judging. Most contest entrants are at the level of having completed at least one manuscript and are members of RWA PRO, which means they've submitted one or more manuscripts to editors, and have proof. I.e. rejections! (Yes, I am a member of PRO.)

There are many RWA contests throughout the year that provide great feedback, however this contest provides none, only the entrant's raw scores. Also unlike all other RWA contests, this one requires that a completed manuscript be sent along with the contest submission, although only the actual submission is judged. The submission includes sample chapters and a synopsis, with the combined total not to exceed 55 pages.

So why, if you get no feedback whatsoever, should you enter? The truth is, you probably shouldn't. I wish I hadn't.

I wish I had entered feedback-providing contests prior to the GH. Based on the feedback, I could've honed my manuscript a bit more before entering The Big Kahuna. Due to the flow of my life at the time, it just wasn't something I had grasped. But with my next manuscript, guess what I'll be doing instead?

Even so, I did learn a few things by entering the GH. 

I was judged by a total of five judges, which was cool. I got five different opinions about my manuscript's market readiness. The manuscript sample was judged on four criteria:

1. The Romance (20 points possible)
2. The Story/Plot (10 points possible)
3. The Characters (10 points possible)
4. The Writing (10 points possible)

Overall, the highest and the lowest judges' total scores were dropped, and the three middle scores averaged.

In all, I actually didn't do too bad. Although I wasn't a finalist, I missed being one by only 2.3 points.

See where entering prior contests might have made a serious difference to me? As stated before, I should've entered some of the other feedback giving RWA contests, gotten some great feedback, and revised my contest entry BEFORE throwing it into the GH pool. Had I done that, I *might* be a finalist. (GH winners will be announced at the national convention in August.)

As it turned out, two of the judges put me in the finalist category for overall score, but there was one that didn't like my entry, and gave me middling scores in every category.

But I did see that three out of the five judges believed the Romance was at finalist level. Three of the judges thought my Story/Plot was at finalist level. Three of the judges thought my Writing was at finalist level, and three of the judges thought my Characters were at finalist level. In fact, three of the judges gave me a perfect score of 10 for my Characters.

Expensive lesson learned. Others, please take heed: Enter other contests BEFORE entering the Golden Heart!

Yes Man meets Responsibility or, Ben Affleck meets Jennifer Garner

Today's letter is Y, and I've chosen my second real-life match. First one was Kate and Wills. Anyway, we're coming close to the finish line with the match between a Yes Man, Ben Affleck, and Responsibility, Jennifer Garner, his wife.

The Yes Man is more often male than female, and is also the Horatio Alger personality, the Career Woman, the Soccer Mom, the Trophy Wife. It’s the Company Man and the Stepford Wife. This type focuses on getting ahead in their selected career. In movies featuring this personality type, themes involve overcoming obstacles by perseverance. (My left foot; Pursuit of Happyness). Themes also include immigrants seeking success in the New World. (Hester Street; Far and Away). This is the home of Success or Impostor stories, and the conflict between love and work. We see someone who never wanted to be a parent, but who’s suddenly become one, is clueless about how to be one. We see someone who’s lost their job due to illness or some other factor, and is forced to spend some time thinking about who they really are apart from the identity their job gave them. (Castaway.) They learn to be less concerned about material success and to take more time to smell the roses. Read more about the Yes Man (corporation man; man in the gray striped suit) personality.
The Responsibility personality is as often male as female. The Responsibility personality is most often associated with safety, family and home life, conservative values, and appreciation of cultural traditions. As children they were fearful and shy, whereas their related personality type, Warrior, were fearful, but overcame their fears by acting out. Family oriented, their home shelters them from the world. Often family is all they need, but they are also loyal friends. Books that exemplify this type’s outlook and values include family life stories: Sarah: Plain and tall; Little Women; Old Yeller; Our Town; Cheaper by the Dozen; The Waltons. Movies and books that focus on love and romance after marriage (rather than prior to marriage, which is grist for the Ambassador, Queen of Seduction and Nurturer types) fall into this type’s themes. This personality type gives love freely, giving people what they need but not what they don’t want, whereas the Ambassador, Queen of Seduction and Nurturer types often have a hidden agenda. Feeling unlovable, they help others in order to gain love. Knowing that they are loved, this is not an unconscious need for Responsibility types, and so their love is a gift without strings attached.

Additionally, these are the featured types in books or movies that feature loyal employees (labor dramas) or shy sidekicks; Thrillers (stories designed to invoke fear); fear comedies (because they are more fearful than most personality types, this type of movie pokes fun at their fearfulness. Examples: The Out-of-Towners; What about Bob.) Books and movies featuring this type also include those with themes that celebrate cultural traditions and also those of ordinary people banding together to fight a common enemy. Superhero stories fit into this personality type’s fantasies in movies and books. Lastly, themes for this type also fall under the umbrellas of science versus faith (this type prefers faith) and fear versus faith (this type uses their faith to overcome their fears). Read more about the Responsibility personality.   
What might a pairing between the Yes Man (Ben Affleck) and Responsibility (his real life wife, Jennifer Garner) be like? Or if not them, between people of similar personality types?

My sources tell me that while this isn’t a common pairing, these types can work well as a team. Both are practical but eager to achieve material success. Both are hard workers, and will persevere until they achieve success.

But success is dependent on them resolving the tension between performance and performance-anxiety. (He’s naturally a great performer, or has worked to become one and will never forget how to be a success, whereas she might be one as well, but her never-ending performance-anxiety will keep her from maintaining success.) When she wants to stop and discuss her doubts (she’s always full of them), he’ll be afraid to do so, because it dredges up anxieties about his self-worth, despite the confident face he shows the world. So instead of stopping and talking about it, he’ll soldier on, which will inadvertently serve to increase her anxieties. Instead of working things out, issues are forgotten.

Ben will be energetic, optimistic, outgoing. Jennifer will be warm, supportive and loyal. She’ll feel compassion for the less fortunate, and because of this, he’ll learn to care more for them as well. Each respects the other for their talents. They’ll bolster each other’s confidence.
She’ll help him become part of something bigger than himself—a church, or political organization, a cause. Both become stronger individually and as a team through such endeavors. As long as they share important values, their relationship will be successful and lasting.

Each completes the other in important ways, but if the relationship isn’t healthy, they’ll bring out the worst in themselves and each other. Both are competitive and tend to spend too much time at work; both are insecure and need external reassurance and acceptance, and may look outside the relationship to find it. 

Neither likes to talk about their feelings, but instead to soldier on in their respective tasks, which can get on each other’s nerves. She’ll see him as being too ambitious, and with too big an ego. She’ll get tired of his boasting. Both view success through very different eyes. He’ll feel accomplished if he can do something well, whereas she’s unable to remember her successes, and will need to be reminded. It helps when she can learn to focus on the task at hand, rather than getting mired in fear of failure.

He’ll see her as being too nervous and cautious. Both could become evasive about their actions and feelings. If still unwilling or unable to talk about their feelings, both could develop separate social lives from each other.

Ben will try to keep up appearances, and would be embarrassed if she let it be known that their relationship was in trouble. Instead of Jennifer’s healthy questioning of him, and his challenging competitiveness with her, they would lose interest in each other until something exposes the fact that the relationship has died.

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

Friday, April 26, 2013

Warrior meets Takes Charge or, Julia Roberts meets Sean Penn

Today's letter is W, and we're looking at the Warrior personality, Julia Roberts, matched with the Takes Charge personality, Sean Penn.

The Warrior personality can as easily be male as female. In this pairing, I’ve chosen a female to represent the Warrior personality, and Julia Roberts seems to be of this type. Warriors are often skeptical of strangers but loyal friends. Like their related personality types—Responsibility and Guardian—fear is the lens through which they view the world, however, unlike their related types, instead of giving in to fear and anxiety, they deny their fears with bold actions. Read more about the Warrior [Strength or Beauty] personality. (Julia.)

They, with the related types mentioned above, are the True Believers, the Defenders of the Faith and of the weak. In movies and books, the Warrior personality is often a Superhero, or an ordinary person who takes extraordinary risks to fight for what he or she believes in. (Superman; David & Goliath). Books and movies featuring this personality type are also frequently along the lines of skeptics being confronted with strange relaties. (Contact; X-Files; Outer Limits). Of all personality types, Warriors are the biggest skeptics.

The Takes Charge personality, generally a masculine personality, in contrast, is often portrayed  in books and movies as Knights, Gods or Goddesses, Lawmen, Champions, Samurai, or gunslingers or pirates. Seeing life as a war between weak and strong, they’re the avengers of wrongs done to themselves, their loved ones or friends. They protect the weak, although they might secretly hope someone had their back. When the story involves romance, the Takes Charge personality needs to learn how to show his needs and weaknesses. Movie examples: (The King & I; Gone With the Wind). Charismatic, he has big appetites and a fiery temperament. Read more about the Takes Charge personality.

So what might a relationship between Julia Roberts and Sean Penn—both fiery types—(or if not them, persons of similar personality types) be like?

Both have a defensive outlook on life, and so they could bond together against the world, so to speak, since they believe other people are not trustworthy. Because they are by nature skeptical of others, they’re happy to find people they can trust after a time of testing. Once they know they can trust each other, they trust deeply. Both are loyal, honorable, responsible, hardworking, courageous, protective, and have a soft spot in their hearts for the underdog. High energy, they’re doers.    

Neither of them is particularly romantic. He values loyalty, and she’s unusually loyal, even in tough times. She values strength, and when up against it, he rises to the occasion.

More overtly emotional than him, she’d bring warmth, playfulness and sensitivity. Both are good at seeing problems and thinking things through. She might advise him, but he would be the leader, especially as he’s a bold, quick decision maker. He enjoys taking on challenges. He’d be her hero, and he’d be moved by her devotion and similar courage. Unlike many personality pairings, this one is not only likely to last, but to deepen over time.  

But if there were threatening issues between them, both would go on the counterattack. Even more of a leader than she is, he expects loyalty and even obedience from her. She wouldn’t mind it, except at times when she needs to show him that she won’t be taken advantage of. And he will ultimately respect her for it. It’s when she’s weak that he’ll lose respect for her.

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Vivant, bon meets King or, Cher meets Sean Hannity

Today's letter is V, for Vivant, Bon (Bon Vivant) [Cher], who we are matching with the King personality, Sean Hannity.

The Bon Vivant personality, as exemplified by Cher, is more often male than female. Bon Vivants love to live big. They have large appetites for sensual pleasures, and their lifestyles and families are often unconventional. They tend to be airheads. In books and movies, Bon Vivants (and their related personality tpyes: The Salesperson and the Utopian Visionary) are involved in travel and adventure, or are romantic outlaws, eternal youth. Read more about the Vivant, Bon (BonVivant!) personality. 

The King personality, exemplified by Sean Hannity, is also more often male than female, and is often a patriarch, a CEO, an officer in the military. He’s a leader who can change the world. Read more about King-like personalities.  

What might a pairing between a Bon Vivant (Cher) and a King (Sean Hannity) be like? 

Assuming they were  close to the same age and otherwise single/available for a romantic relationship, I can see Sean looking at Cher and thinking, "Yeah, she's a diva," and then quickly turning his attention to more important matters, like debating the budget crisis, gun control, or immigration reform. 

But if not them per se, how might persons of their personality types relate?

Both are assertive, independent, and strong willed. Neither likes to be controlled or limited by others, or even by themselves. For them, being told not to do something is an invitation to do it. Both have big appetites, want a big life, and instant gratification. High energy, staying active keeps the energy supply strong. Adventuresome, they like trying new things. Opinionated, they’re not shy about being heard.

Cher would bring more of a sense of fun and excitement into the relationship, to keep things fresh. The Bon Vivant personality is often talkative as well, and in fact, they are usually wonderful storytellers, even if it means telling tales about their adventures and misadventures.

He would be more reserved and moody, but would be better at facing adversity with courage and staying power.

Independence is a must. Both prefer self-expression to self-improvement. Both look to themselves rather than turning to someone else, when they need support. He will never admit it if she hurt his feelings; it would be a sign of weakness, to his way of thinking. If she’s hurt, she’ll just go and find something exciting to do.

She’s prone to rationalizing, which sounds like a lie to him. He’s very big on truth telling.
When he feels threatened, he tries to control things, but she’d be awfully hard to pin down, especially when a relationship is growing toward love and commitment. If there are issues, she’ll find it easier to walk away than compromise . . . unless she’s grown to truly, deeply care.

When he’s stressed, he goes off by himself to think, but he also loves his privacy and space, even when not stressed.

Both need to find constructive outlets for their high energy. If they don’t, they could bring the relationship down. He might start bullying her, and she would retaliate with insults and contempt. Both can be terribly selfish, and their verbally abusive fights could turn into physical abuse. Both enjoy reckless behavior, and once their relationship reaches this level, it’s hard for them to back down to what would feel like boring behavior. Sometimes pushing the limits can have tragic consequences.   

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Utopian Visionary meets Nurturer or, Jeff Bezos meets Paula Abdul

Today's letter is U, and we're matching the Utopian Visionary personality Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, with a Nurturer, Paula Abdul.

Utopian Visionaries are entrepreneurs, jetsetters, visionaries who sometimes sacrifice themselves to fulfill their utopian ideals. They’re willing to gamble, even if they lose. They’re inventors, futurists. Ideas spew out of them, and it’s difficult for them to rein it all in. Life is full of endless possibilities for them. Read more about the Utopian Visionary personality. (Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.)

The Nurturer personality is also a Matriarch, a Diva, a Guardian Angel or Fairy Godmother; a Nurse; a Cook; a Sidekick or friend; a Mother; a Stage Mother; a Matchmaker. She’s a lot of things, but what they all have in common is that she takes care of the young, sick, helpless and elderly. Denying her own needs (yes, men can also have this personality type, but most often, nurturers are women), they’re always helping others, but find it hard to ask for help when they need it. Beneath it all, they secretly hope that someone will notice their sacrifices and reward them with Diva treatment. Read more about the Nurturing personality.
So what might a relationship between these two personality types, if not these two people, be like?

This could be a fun match. Surprisingly enough, they can seem as if they’re of the same personality type. Both are outgoing, friendly, spontaneous, often funny, high-energy people. Both love the good things in life and want to have a good time. Both are optimistic, even after a setback.

The Nurturer would admire his chutzpah, and his adventurousness, his vision for life’s endless possibilities. She would even help him realize his plans. His vision is usually the focal point of their emotional life. Both will share the hope of a bright future together.

She’ll focus her life on his potential talents, and be fascinated by his sunny disposition. That he is always dissatisfied, oddly, attracts her. She (mistakenly) interprets his gluttony for experience as a search for emotional depth. She sees his lack of focus and feels compelled to make him more productive and to heal his underlying fears. He’ll respond by being a charming and often romantic playmate.

He’s going to follow his own interests even if she’s not around, so she’d better develop a few of her own. If she gives him enough freedom, he’ll be able to negotiate a commitment to her.
Both are averse to prolonged contact. He’ll feel limited by it. She’ll fear he might discover who she really is, which is frequently someone who lives through others, afraid to fill her own needs, much less know what they are. She may want more attention from him than he’s able to give, and when that happens, he starts seeming pretty shallow to her, whereas she seems like a drag to him.

If he’s wise, he’ll help her to be willing to pamper herself, which she’s not apt to do unless given tacit permission. He does it by reminding her that if she hopes to care for others, including him, she needs to take care of her own health and needs first. She’s very good at helping him feel fulfilled, which is good, because the Utopian Visionary—like the Salesperson and the Bon Vivant, who share related personality types—are the most apt to stray of all 27 personalities. 

The nurturer would bring caring and concern for others into the relationship. The Utopian Visionary would bring his wealth, both material and spiritual, making them a generous couple. As a couple, they are able to succeed at doing what few other couples can: they are warm and generous, loving and inclusive.
But this relationship also, frequently, turns sour. Utopian Visionaries are hard to pin down, and Nurturers are emotionally needy. Utopian Visionary personalities will sometimes sacrifice themselves to their ideals, and if they sacrifice themselves, they will surely sacrifice their relationships as well. These are society’s inventors and fururists, full of visionary ideals and willing to gamble their lives on them, even if they lose.

The Nurturer needs lots of couple time, and wants a family. The Utopian Visionary doesn’t want to be pinned down in these ways. They hate having their possibilities limited, including or especially settling down to one woman and having a family. They are true commitment phobes, whereas Nurturers are often ready to settle down at the bat of an eyelash. She’ll get possessive, manipulative and needy, and he’ll feel bored and trapped.

He also needs to be the center of everyone’s attention, including hers. Her needs mean little to him unless she’s able to match his energy and pace. She won’t mind this for a while, but eventually she’ll start to see him as a selfish playboy who is only using her. She might begin to withhold her attention from him, or to have her needs met in other ways such as overeating. Or she could develop health problems as a way of gaining his attention, which in turn will push him ever farther away from her. He is someone who cannot tolerate pain and suffering, his own or anyone else’s.     

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Takes Charge meets Espionage or, Michael Douglas meets Madeline Stowe

Today's letter is T, and we're matching the Takes Charge personality (Michael Douglas) with the Espionage personality, actress Madeline Stowe.

Both the Takes Charge personality (Michael Douglas) and the Espionage personality (actress Madeline Stowe) are more often male than female.

The  Takes Charge personality is often portrayed  in books and movies as Knights, Gods or Goddesses, Lawmen, Champions, Samurai, or gunslingers or pirates. Seeing life as a war between weak and strong, they’re the avengers of wrongs done to themselves, their loved ones or friends. They protect the weak, although they might secretly hope someone had their back.  
When the story involves romance, the Takes Charge personality needs to learn how to show his needs and weaknesses. Movie examples: (The King & I; Gone With the Wind). Charismatic, he has big appetites and a fiery temperament. Read more about the Takes Charge personality.
About the Espionage personality: in movies and books, he’s often a wizard, alchemist, mad scientist, spy or investigator. They’re secretive loners with a unique view of life. He might also be a brilliant thinker redeemed by love. The genres will include horror, spy, thrillers, mysteries, noir and dark fantasy. Read more about the Espionage (secretive) personality.

As to how Michael Douglas might relate to Madeline Stowe (or two people of these personality types), this is a common personality pairing.

A mental type, she needs more body awareness, as well as interest in ordinary life, such as being married and owning a house, and he’s just the man. She also needs to be more engaged with daily life, and to own her own power. Again, he’s just the man to show her how and why these things are important, and that she doesn’t have to live without them (though she feels self-sufficient by doing so). He takes pride in his conquests and making a mark on his environment is a primary goal for him.

Conversely, he needs to be more aware of how he impacts his environment, and she’s just the woman. He needs to learn how to be more mindful of the consequences of his actions, and her analytical skills will help him learn how. In other words, he needs to learn how to think before he acts, because impulsive actions often have unintended consequences.

Both are independent and territorial. Both enjoy debate, and admire someone who will stand up for themselves intellectually and in his case, physically. Both feel like misfits, and understand each other on an unspoken level. When they discover that they can trust each other, they’re able to show their vulnerabilities and needs. Both can be stoical.   

Coupled, they are thoughtful and powerful, brilliant and brash, forming a coalition of power and brains. They protect and advise each other.

But if there were to be issues in the relationship, they react in totally opposite ways, which makes things even more difficult for them. Already an intensely private person, she would become even more isolated and secretive, whereas he would be more confrontational, which in turn would drive her more deeply into herself.

Finding him destructive and seemingly out of control, she would lose her respect for him. If he’s particularly mentally unhealthy, she will need to physically leave him in order to feel safe. If sufficiently provoked, she will attack his key vulnerability (the fear of being weak), and he will attack hers (the fear of being incompetent).

Both feel rejected easily. If she leaves, he’ll feel abandoned or betrayed, and may retaliate by seeking revenge in some way. If he’s the one to leave, she’s likely to sink into a deep depression. Both are cynical by nature, and the end of their relationship will confirm their cynicisms about marriage.    

But if they can work things out (and this is a common pairing), they will begin to resemble each other. She’ll be more assertive and he’ll be tame. She was always more outspoken in the security of her own home. She will be able to experience emotional energy, and though she hates fighting, it will be beneficial to her. Anger will push her to experience her feelings in the moment. If not sufficiently angered, she’s more apt to detach—to her detriment. If in a secure relationship, she’ll be able to stay and be with it.

From his side, he’ll learn to wait. He dislikes having to hold back his emotions, but he’ll learn how to do it. Their emotional currents can be compared to the tide: he’ll press for contact with oceanic force that is pulled back by her undertow of withdrawal. But feeling safe with each other, he’ll open her feelings, and she will disarm his need to show strength always. She’ll provide a safe place for him to look within, feel his vulnerability for a change, instead of picking a fight.

Both like to be independent. Neither is apt to become enmeshed with the others’ agenda. They can speak honestly and bluntly to each other. But they may also be unable to compromise, and feel little guilt about their effect on each other. She sometimes thinks that emotional pain comes from poor self-control, which allows her to escape responsibility for others’ feelings. If he’s in pain, he may seek to even the score. He has a need to be the one in control at all times.

When they first meet, they’ll have great respect for their uninterrupted times alone. On the high side, they get independence and a companion nearby. On the low side, they’re too apt to withhold affection from each other, especially when angry.

When she withdraws in anger, she’s pouting and disapproving of him. In revenge, he’ll do the same, thus a silent battle ensues. On the high side, it’s ultimately a good match. She needs to experience his assertive behavior as a solution to her own inability to be competent in the world outside her home and work environments. Learning to speak spontaneously can also be healing to her.

From his side, he can trust her emotional control. Their opposing strengths and weaknesses will rub off on each other, making each one a better person.  

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Survivalist dukes it out with Survivalist or, Russell Crowe meets Gloria Allred

Today's letter is S, and we're doing something we haven't done before: We're matching a personality type with itself. In this case, two Survivalists. 

Note: I really dislike this particular pairing (not Survivalist to Survivalist, but Russell Crowe to Gloria Allred), but there are so few women with the survivalist personality that I had to take what I could find. I wanted to match two people of the same personality type to show how the strengths of such a pairing are magnified, as are the weaknesses. This, of course, could've been done with any of the personality subtypes. Choosing the Survivalist subtype means you've got a match of two very powerful personalities.  

The Survivalist personality is more often male than female, but there are a few famous female Survivalist personalities.

The Survivalist is also the Lawman, the Body Guard, the Father Figure, the Cowboy, the “Strong Silent type.” If female, she’s the Mama Grizzly, the Mountain Mama, the Force of Nature. Disaster and Survival stories personalize Mother Nature as this personality type.
These are protector types whose courage, strength, energy, and perseverance inspire others in disastrous situations. Although strong, they have tender hearts, and in order to try to protect themselves from being too vulnerable, they will often hide or deny their feelings.  
Books or movies featuring the Survivalist will be about war or action-adventure; the Mafia; Chivalry; buddy movies and revenge stories. The Survivalist will not be defeated. Working for a noble cause enables him to connect with his feelings without becoming too self-conscious. This personality type is earthy, practical, and self-reliant. Stories featuring his personality type show him how to admit it when he needs help, and to get the help he needs. Read more about the Survivalist personality. 
How might a pairing between Russell Crowe and Gloria Allred be?

Obviously, their strengths would be magnified, as well as their weaknesses. In cases where opposites pair up, one’s strengths can complement the other’s weaknesses by helping to show the other how to assimilate the strong traits that he or she lacks, and to minimize the weaker ones. It ends up being a better idea overall.   

In this example, both are energetic, independent, and strong willed. They make things happen. But it would also be an extremely combustible pairing, with tests of wills and jockeying for control. If they’re not particularly healthy, psychologically speaking, true equality and sharing will be difficult between them. There will be constant conflict, as neither will back down or display weakness. Cynical by nature, they will test each other’s loyalty. Unless they can learn how to compromise with each other, they will wear each other down, verbally and possibly even physically. Neither is good at apologizing.

In order to feel wanted and needed by the other, they need to feel powerful. Yet, they’re easily hurt and will sulk over it. People whose personality fills up a room, each needs a lot of personal, physical space. They are often brutally honest. The one who feels rejected will demand revenge of some sort, setting up a destructive, retaliatory pattern of hurting each other, and, quite soon, spelling the relationship’s doom.  

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Salesman meets Movie Star or, Jude Law meets Demi Moore

Today's letter is S, so we're looking at the Salesman personality (Jude Law) matched with the Movie Star personality (Demi Moore).

The Salesman personality is male more often than female. He’s the charmer; the hippie; the adventurer, the Don Juan. As with all types, Salesman has its own inner demons. Non-commital risk-takers, they will skim over the top of life as long as possible, but they will eventually come face-to-face with something, or someone, they cannot seduce with their considerable charm. This person, thing or event will teach them some of the things they need to learn. Read more about the Salesman personality. (Jude Law)

The Movie Star personality is also male more often than female. But it also includes people who are super models, cheerleaders, sports figures of either sex, who portray society’s feminine or masculine ideal. They are loved for their image, but in their personal life, they will not be able to be intimate with another person unless they can give up their image, which they will find difficult to do. You see Movie Star themes in stories and movies that focus on how big dreams and hard work can bring stardom (Top Gun). Often, a change of image is all it takes (Working Girl; Tootsie; Mrs. Doubtfire). Often, the Movie Star personality learns that success without love is worthless (Shadowlands). The themes of these books and movies highlight the contrast between the Movie Star’s image and his or her personal reality. Sometimes, because real intimacy is hard for people, especially people with this personality type, he or she will favor nameless, faceless fandom over real love. Or, at other times, a partner likes the image better than the reality. (Conundrums!) The genres that Movie Star personality types fit into are either success stories or impostor stories. (Image overhaul saves/does not save the day.) Read more about the Movie Star personality.

What might a pairing between these types be like?
Both have star power—high energy, outgoing, assertive, optimistic, future-oriented and excellent communicators. They’re persuasive and attractive, with a youthful orientation.

Of all personality matches, this is the most vivacious, sparkling and high energy.

They would be involved in many activities and projects that propel them towards the good life as they define it. But unless they are both involved in the same activities and projects, they might not spend much time together.

Both will overrate the fun side of their relationship while overlooking the defects. Who wants to talk about money, or disciplining the kids, anyway? Better to move on to tomorrow’s plans.   

The Movie Star personality is more sensitive and appropriate in communicating with others, more aware of social conventions. Image conscious, they want to look like good people who fit in. They’re also more able to focus on goals and to achieve them, as well as to set healthy limits on everything. 
The Salesman personality brings fun, adventure, and unconcern about failure. The Salesman can be spontaneous when the Movie Star is stuck in trying to be the image he or she wants to project. The Salesman is also boundlessly enthusiastic.  

Though they sparkle, they are also extremely volatile as a couple. All the activity, vivaciousness can be difficult to maintain. They both feel pressured to be awesome all the time. But it’s their very lifestyle that often hurts each other without realizing it. They don’t talk about problems. Problems? What problems? They’re golden; they’ve got it all.

Instead of working things out, the Movie Star might become a workaholic focusing on achieving greater success. Family life, what there ever was of it, goes on the back burner. The Movie Star personality isn’t as confident as the Salesman, and is obsessed about achieving success.

The Salesman, more self-confident and not as concerned about image—about attaining success in career or personal life—will start thinking about moving on, where the grass is undoubtedly greener. Especially as fun and enjoyment is being sacrificed, due to the Movie Star’s focus on career.

It takes something BIG—a health or career crisis—to bring the issues between them to the surface. The crisis will come as a complete surprise to both of them. Both are impressed with themselves, and expect others to be equally impressed. Since each one likes themselves so much, it’s difficult for them to look deeply enough within to find out where they went wrong.
If the public image of either of them is questioned, she’ll simply change her image and lie about her past. He’ll switch options and rationalize why it was good to do so. Instead of being allies in personal growth, each will allow the other to do his/her own thing.

Deep emotions frighten them. She’s not used to feeling things so deeply, and he just hates to lose his options and be stuck in a single commitment to one person.

If mature, they will face their fears rather than burying them in activity, and if that happens, she’ll be as stubborn about overcoming her relationship fears as she is about overcoming problems in her work.

For him to overcome his fear of commitment, the solution is to set daily or weekly, short-term goals of doing things together. He can help to bring true pleasure into their relationship. She’s spent her life trying to look right (fit the cultural ideal of the perfect woman), and so it will be fun for her to simply do things that feel good instead. She’s always lived for other people’s approval, thus has suspended her personal feelings about how she looks and what she does, in an effort to gain that approval. His indifference to others’ approval, and insistence on fulfilling his own needs, and hers, will feel like precious freedom to her. It will keep the charm in the relationship for him, and might induce him to stay instead of stray.    

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

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