Saturday, April 13, 2013

Lecturer meets Nurturer or, Dr. House meets Dolly Parton

Today's letter is L and so we're looking at a match between the Lecturer, Dr. Gregory House, and Nurturer Dolly Parton.

The Lecturer personality, also known as a professor type, is most often a male personality type, a thinker rather than a feeler, and who often has a unique viewpoint. Books and movies featuring this personality type include disaster and survival stories; detective/mystery stories; science fiction and horror stories. Are these the genres of stories you favor? You might have this personality type. Read more about the Lecturer  personality.

The Nurturer personality is also a Matriarch, a Diva, a Guardian Angel or Fairy Godmother; a Nurse; a Cook; a Sidekick or friend; a Mother; a Stage Mother; a Matchmaker. She’s a lot of things, but what they all have in common is that she takes care of the young, sick, helpless and elderly. Denying her own needs (yes, men can also have this personality type, but most often, nurturers are women), they’re always helping others, but find it hard to ask for help when they need it. Beneath it all, they secretly hope that someone will notice their sacrifices and reward them with Diva treatment. 

Books and movies featuring the Nurturer include themes of keeping the family together through thick and thin; making a fine home despite a single mother’s loneliness (through death or divorce) or health issues. The book or movie will open after a sudden hardship, whether financial, the loss of a mate, or both. Other themes include a magical mother figure (Mary Poppins; The Sound of Music; Touched by an Angel) who makes life better. 

Sometimes, the nurturing personality is portrayed as a domineering mother type. Families with domineering mothers need to give her the pampering she doesn’t realize she needs, and she’ll back down. Read more about a Nurturer personality.

What might a pairing between Lecturer and Nurturer look like? It’s a frequent match, and a match of opposites.

She’s a people person, whereas he’s more of a loner. She’s actually the most extended toward others of all personality types, and he’s the most contracted. She’s all emotion, and he’s all thought, and she doesn’t mind that. It helps to calm and steady her, with her big feelings. She likes that he decides things for himself, rather than altering himself in order to placate her. She likes that he freely goes his own way, independently of her wishes. Most precious of all to her, for someone like she, who is bound to relationships, is his emotional immunity from what others think. He couldn't care less. 

From his side, he’ll love her open-hearted generosity, and her willingness to engage with life and activity. She’ll speak for him at parties until the conversation turns to something he’s intellectually interested in. Otherwise, he’s a non-talker.

They can look like they’re from a different species. She likes going out, enjoys small talk, and claims that feelings are a useful source of information. She moves toward people to interact; he moves away from them, to analyze and think. This can create a balanced life, or it can turn into a tug-of-war of her wanting emotional contact, and him wanting only to withdraw.   

He needs someone to pursue him, and she’s up to the challenge. Even to opening his feelings, which is significant, coming from someone who doesn’t believe feelings are important, but only rational thought. If she can get him to respond, she wins. 

She’d make his house a home (which he would never do), and even spruce up the way he dresses, and what he eats. He’d be truly grateful for her attentions.

He finds relating to people difficult, and so when he finds a relationship that works, he’s loyal. She’s a talker, and he’s a good listener. She’s volatile, and he’s calm. In a crisis, he’ll have better judgment. 

Sometimes, he’s too calm, even unresponsive, which feels like rejection to the nurturer. It’s not that he doesn’t care; he just doesn’t see detachment as deprivation. He doesn’t see big emotions as proof of caring. In fact, he might see them as instability. Feeling unlovable, she might hover and cajole, which will cause him to withdraw even more. 

He’s someone who needs his independence, as well as to feel like he’s competent to live alone without anyone’s help. But she feels she has no value unless she’s helping others. 

It would help if he realized that she needs only to be reassured that she’s loved, and she would give him more of the space he needs. If he could just find the feelings that she’s pushing for, and if she could then pull back, allowing enough emotional space for him to move forward, really, all would be well.  

The worst thing for him, when feeling things, which is so uncomfortable to him, is to withdraw physically to go and think about it. It's his natural inclination, but it would be far better to stay, feel and discuss. It would make all the difference for her. Contrary to what he believes, feelings do matter. 

If he simply cannot stay in the moment with her, second best would be setting a time to discuss it. Knowing that the issue will not be forgotten, she will feel reassured.  

Additional Information:
What are Instinctual Subtypes?  
Sources from which I collected and synthesized information about the matches 

1 comment:

  1. Oooo, this is totally the paring on Elementary right now between Sherlock and Watson!


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